In recovery, the word fear is an acronym for either fuck everything and run or face everything and recover. I would imagine in some churches, face everything and rejoice. What about forgive everyone and repair or fight everyone and ruin. Fear is a general term, a reaction to a known danger. Anxiety seems to be a buzzword meaning fear of unknown danger. Neurotic is to behave as if the danger is happening right now. It is the nervous system working. The brain is telling it, “I’m scared” and responds accordingly. Excitement or insecurity like going on a roller coaster or speaking in public. Every human being has had the following fears at some point in their life; speaking in public, dying or death, not having needs met, change and the unknown.
Being in denial of fear could result in anger and irritability. I’m told that anger is a masquerade for fear and pain. Buddhists believe that depression is anger turned inward. I’m told that in life, pain is mandatory as it’s the human condition but suffering is optional and suffering is simply due to the fact that the pain hasn’t been dealt with. Aside from physical reasons for irritability, being hungry or tired, it could signal fear. Fear of losing something I have or never getting something I want. Learning and living the difference between what I want and what I need was probably the most valuable lesson I have learned. It is a fact, as long as I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and not doing anything I shouldn’t be doing, my needs will always be met. My individual needs. Not necessarily needs within a relationship.
According to Maslow, there are five levels of needs. When I first started studying psychology in college there were seven, I’m not sure where the other two went but they were a need for beauty and a need to understand and be understood. The five are, starting on the bottom; physiological: air, food, water and shelter; safety: security, stability and freedom from fear; belonging: family, friendship, social acceptance and reputation; self-esteem: respect, achievement and mastery and finally, self-actualization: morality, creativity and transcendence. Becoming the real me. Developing moral character. To thine own self be true. Being independent, autonomous and self-sufficient. According to Erikson, there are eight stages of character development. Hope, will, purpose, competence, fidelity, love, care and wisdom.
What is hate? Fear has to have something to do with hate. I am fearful of hate because I think of evil when I feel hatred. Who am I to despise another person so much? There is a school of thought that we teach people how to treat us. I agree with that in relationships but on a more public, global level I’ve been treated less than by people I had never met before.
I’m beginning to think I hate those higher than me on the unwritten social hierarchy of the world. Is this the class system or caste system? In my home I have class and practice proper etiquette, for the most part. Is this character, behavior or personality?
Out in the real world I have no desire to present myself with a quality appearance. No make-up. Walmart wardrobe. I’ve only recently had my hair professionally colored on a regular basis because I’m bored with my hair color and I am growing more gray. I have no style, though.